Carolina Chocolate Drops - Read 'Em John download song

Lyrics

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I’ve been asked to make an
announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front,
could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.
U.V.'s and they need to get out
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner.
To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W.
Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me.
You know what? I’m a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough.
Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.
The one guy who could have helped
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their
tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from
the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of
the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert
and tonight it’s my privilege to celebrate this president. We’re not so
different, he and I. We get it. We’re not brainiacs on the nerd patrol.
We’re not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir?
That’s where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have
more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up.
I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that’s not true.
That’s cause you looked it up in a book
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that’s how our
nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report,
I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by
rational argument. I call it the «No Fact Zone.» Fox News, I hold a copyright
on that term
I’m a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live
by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I
live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific,
and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the
Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy.
I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a
way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy
Meals possible. I said it’s a celebration. I believe the government that
governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards,
we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is
possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right
to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are
infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it’s yogurt. But I refuse to believe it’s not
butter. Most of all, I believe in this president
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval
rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that
polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking
in «reality.» And reality has a well-known liberal bias
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is
half full. 32% means the glass -- it’s important to set up your jokes properly,
sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty,
because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is
my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don’t believe this is a low point in
this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback
I mean, it’s like the movie «Rocky.» All right. The president in this case is
Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world.
It’s the tenth round. He’s bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I
guess would be the vice president, he’s yelling, «Cut me, Dick, cut me!
,» and every time he falls everyone says, «Stay down! Stay down!
«Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he --
actually, he loses in the first movie
OK. Doesn’t matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was
repeatedly punched in the face. So don’t pay attention to the approval ratings
that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing.
I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job
he’s not doing? Think about it. I haven’t
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things.
Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and
rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message,
that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the
most powerfully staged photo ops in the world
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking
energy policy. Why do you think he’s down on the ranch cutting that brush all
the time? He’s trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will
have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He’s a good joe. Obviously loves his wife,
calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She’s a true lady
and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma’am
I’m sorry, but this reading initiative. I’m sorry, I’ve never been a fan of
books. I don’t trust them. They’re all fact, no heart. I mean, they’re elitist,
telling us what is or isn’t true, or what did or didn’t happen.
Who’s Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914?
If I want to say it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American!
I’m with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen
The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands.
He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday,
no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man’s beliefs never
will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be
surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception
of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president’s side,
and the vice president’s side
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or
secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important
reason: they’re super-depressing. And if that’s your goal, well,
misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over
tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn’t
want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good
times, as far as we knew
But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works: the president makes
decisions. He’s the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions,
and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type.
Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again.
Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head.
You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to
stand up to the administration. You know — fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions,
after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes.
So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, «Oh, they’re just
rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.» First of all, that is a terrible
metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring.
If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it’s not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley,
Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They’ve all been on my show.
By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show.
I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How’s Tuesday for
you? I’ve got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him.
I know a guy. Say the word
See who we’ve got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff.
General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support
Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren’t retired yet, right? Right, they still support
Rumsfeld
Look, by the way, I’ve got a theory about how to handle these retired generals
causing all this trouble: don’t let them retire! Come on, we’ve got a stop-loss
program; let’s use it on these guys. I’ve seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf
Blitzer. If you’re strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows,
you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven’t heard from the Reverend in a
little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview.
You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants, at the pace
that he wants. It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way,
because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say,
you look fantastic. How are you? Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find
out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn’t a salad
fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There’s no predicting him.
By the way, Senator McCain, it’s so wonderful to see you coming back into the
Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you
go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you’ve seen the light, sir
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city!
Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I’d like to welcome you to Washington, D.C.
, the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of
corruption. It’s a Mallomar, I guess is what I’m describing, a seasonal cookie
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous
husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife
Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr.
President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson’s wife.
Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet
And, of course, we can’t forget the man of the hour, new press secretary,
Tony Snow. Secret Service name, «Snow Job.» Toughest job. What a hero!
Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course,
the ambassador to Iraq
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say
nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire.
Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card’s children. Mr.
President, I wish you hadn’t made the decision so quickly, sir
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press
secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle
these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your
indulgence, I’d like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen,
my press conference
BEGINNING OF «AUDITION TAPE»
Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens with him at a podium,
addressing the assembled Washington press corps
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America.
OK, let’s see who we’ve got here today
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch! (David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy. Colbert mimics putting a
phone to his ear and mouths «call me.»)
REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions
himself?
COLBERT: I’ve already addressed that question. You (pointing to another
reporter)
REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor,. .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he’s the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the
new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well, how do you guys feel about that?
You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking
over the CBS Evening News?
DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)
COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up. Question?
DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
COLBERT: I don’t know. I’ll ask him
(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please! (Rove is seen drawing a
heart with «Karl + Stephen» written on it.)
GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were
asked specifically about Karl, and Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby,
and you said «I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that
they are not involved in this.» Do you stand by that statement?
COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!
GREGORY: No, you’re not finishing. You’re not saying anything! You stood at
that podium and said. .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. New podium!
Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David
GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you’re going to stand before us
after having commented with that level of detail and tell the people watching
this that somehow you’ve decided not to talk. You’ve got to. .
(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the podium, labeled «EJECT,» «GANNON» and «VOLUME.» He selects the «VOLUME» button and turns it.
We see Gregory’s lips continue moving, but can’t hear any sound coming out.)
COLBERT: If I can’t hear you, I can’t answer your question. I’m sorry!
I have to move on. Terry
TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation
was underway, you said. .
(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards through most of
Moran’s question.)
MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect for the sanctity of a
criminal investigation?
COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is bouncing off attached
paddle): No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of a criminal
investigation. Activist judges! Yes, Helen
HELEN THOMAS: You’re going to be sorry. (Laughter)
COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are you going to do, Helen,
ask me for a recipe?
THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands
(Colbert's smile fades) of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis
for a lifetime
COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look. .
THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not
to be true. My question is why did you really want to go to war?
COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I’m going to stop you right there.
(Thomas keeps talking.) That’s enough! No! Sorry, Helen, I’m moving on.
(Colbert tries to turn her volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)
(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)
COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don’t let Helen do this to what was a
lovely day
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)
COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting in a high-pitched
voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I’m not listening to you!
Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!
(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)
COLBERT (frantic): I’m out of here!
(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately trying to flee.
He says, «There is a wall here!» The press corps laughs. Colbert has
difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush’s
experience in China. He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)
COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I’ve never been so insulted in my life!
Stupid job
(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding music playing.
We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)
(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)
(Colbert trips over a roller skate, and yells «Condi!» We see a close-up of
Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry. Colbert, increasingly
panicked, gets up and continues running, running into a parking garage.
He reaches an emergency call box, and yells into it.)
COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!
ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?
COLBERT: She won’t stop asking why we invaded Iraq! ATTENDANT: Hey,
why did we invade Iraq?
COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)
(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)
(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to open it with his key.
He is in such a desperate hurry that he fumbles with the keys and drops them.
When he picks them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his frantic
rush, Colbert just can’t get the keys into the lock.)
(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of control he suddenly remembers
that he has a keyless remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain
and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double squeak noise.
Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and continues to fumble trying to get the
car started. He finally succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in front
of the car, notepad in hand.)
COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!
(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires squealing.
Thomas smiles.)
(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York.
A car and driver are waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man
standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)
COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home
(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, «Buckle up, hon.
«IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)
COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window): NO!!!
END OF «AUDITION TAPE»
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the
White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President,
it’s been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!